


This Ain't It

by Lgaretha



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 23:01:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2001306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lgaretha/pseuds/Lgaretha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I miss you more than I hate you,<br/>I long for you more than I’m sad.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So here is where it goes now. The memories, the good old times, I should bury it all deep inside, to the bottom of my heart. Locking it and never open it ever again. No matter how good it was, now it’s just a memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Ain't It

“Taeyangie hyung, are you alright? I feel bad for what has just happened to you,” Daesung finally got to meet Taeyang again after a few months. During these few months, he stayed in Japan for his solo activity and finally he got to finish it now. Jiyong was the first person he met as soon as he came back and from Jiyong, he got to hear the news about Taeyang. Taeyang had received a complex treatment for around a month. He couldn’t eat and drink at first, but he slowly recovered now.

Bigbang and YG Entertainment, their agency, decided to keep it as a secret. They made up a story and said that Taeyang injured his ankle during his practice for his upcoming album when they were asked about what the members were up to lately. Jiyong was in his studio all day making good music as he’s a producer, a top one actually. TOP and Seungri were doing great in their movies and Daesung was in Japan. So where’s Taeyang? Did he really have an injury?

 

The answer was, no he’s not.

 

Actually that was true that he practiced for his upcoming solo album every day, but suddenly he stopped. He stopped coming to YG headquarter. As the leader, Jiyong was the first to hear about it. The dancers were waiting for him to discuss about the theme for each song. Up till then, they had just finished discussing one song. There were still plenty of songs remaining.

 

The first day, they thought that he might be busy.

The second day, they thought he might have something important to be done. But Lee Jaewook phoned him to remind him about the schedule. Taeyang and all Bigbang members were usually disciplined and came on time, except the maknae who sometimes arrived late and always said that he had another thing to do. When one of them couldn’t attend the practice, they would at least inform it earlier, sometimes also by phone or text message. But this time, Taeyang didn’t.

The third day, he was still not there. Youngdeuk and Youngdon who were going to visit their parent came over to Taeyang’s apartment to check his condition. They waited for an hour, but Taeyang didn’t show up so they thought he wasn’t home. They called him, but the operator stated that he’s out of reach. So where was he?

After a week, Lee Jaewook looked for Jiyong at his recording studio and told him that Taeyang had been missing. Jiyong was really surprised. The truth was within that week, he had called and sent Taeyang chat using Line, but he didn’t leave any reply. He thought that Taeyang must be busy so he didn’t mind it. Seungri also told him that when he visited Taeyang yesterday after finishing the last episode of his drama, nobody opened the door.

All the members were living separately in their individual house or apartment these few months but they still kept in touch with each other. The maknae who loved the leader so much frequently visited Jiyong and brought him food because he knew that Jiyong often forgot to eat when he was too into his works. He knew that the hyung was doing his best in producing good music, but it didn’t mean that he may abandon his own health.

 

Jiyong asked each of the members about Taeyang. TOP was doing a sad scene and he already got the feel, but because he forgot to put his phone in the silent mode, the whole scene was ruined. He was going to nag at Jiyong but when Jiyong told him that Taeyang had been missing, he saved all the naggings for later. He asked for a permission to leave the shooting and left for Taeyang’s apartment. Seungri was having a nice day lying on his bed and watched his own drama, adoring how he acted so well. When he received the phone call, he also left his comfortable bed and went there.

For the least possible one, he contacted Daesung, wondering if Taeyang was also in Japan somehow and spent time with Daesung. It surely was a big a mistake for leaving for a week without any words. But it turned out that he also wasn’t there. Daesung also worried about his hyung, but he couldn’t go back to Seoul anytime he wanted. He should appear in various shows, held a fan meeting and doing stage performances. Daesung told Jiyong to inform him if they had found Taeyang.

 

The three of them gathered already. There were TOP, Jiyong, and Seungri.

“Why you just tell it now? You should have told me earlier if Taeyang is missing. You said it’s been a week? A lot of things could happen in a freaking one week!” TOP started his nagging session.

“How would I know? I tried contacting several times this week but he gave no response. I thought that he was just busy, but Jaewook hyung came to me and said Taeyang’s missing. He didn’t attend the dance practice. The time I heard about it, I suddenly came here and then told each of you about this,” Jiyong explained everything to TOP.

“Calm down hyungdeul. We’re not in the right time to fight now. The thing is, where is Taeyangie hyung right now?” their young and irresponsible maknae had grown up. Now he could be serious and prevented his hyungs getting into a serious fight. TOP and Jiyong couldn’t stay calm in this situation. Both of them were in a real bad mood, they’re in a sensitive condition. One or two words that weren’t intentionally hurting could turn on anger that may suddenly explode.  

 

Ringing the ball, calling his phone, knocking the door, they tried all of them but they got nothing. Jiyong went to the neighbors, TOP searched for the securities, and Seungri looked for the cleaning service and they asked whether any of them had seen Taeyang. The security said that he last saw him on March 21, which was the also the last day he attended the practice. People who lived one floor above and one floor under said that they didn’t meet him, but they heard a loud screaming and they were sure that was him, also on March 21.

 

“The securities said that they last saw him on March 21. He returned to his apartment and since that day, they were sure that he didn’t leave. He’s here all the time,” TOP said while still hardly exhaled the air. He was running out of oxygen after running down and up the apartment. He didn’t take the elevator and went by feet. Jiyong also told them what he heard, for Seungri, he found nothing. No cleaning service was in the building after 7PM. That was quite late already when they searched for information.

 

“DONG YOUNGBAE. WE KNOW YOU’RE THERE! OPEN THE DOOR NOW!” Jiyong yelled endlessly and ordered him to come out. He screamed and screamed and screamed again, the same exact line, but Taeyang still didn’t let them in.

“TOP hyung, if he’s not going to open it, you will,” Seungri tapped TOP’s back and his right hand gave a sign to TOP, letting him to open it by force. Whether it was by kicking, punching it or anything, as long as he could open the door, that’s necessary. TOP nodded and tried to break in, but too bad. That apartment was a top apartment and the door couldn’t have been made with an easy to break material. It was a steel door that actually could only be opened by fingerprint. Since he’s a celebrity, Taeyang ordered an extra protection. Inside the door, there was another steel door that worked by coding system. Only Taeyang knew the code so only he could open it.

 

“Argh! Why would he have such thing here?” TOP massaged his arm which was in pain after trying to break the unbreakable door. Jiyong went downstairs and talked to the information center and informed them about Taeyang. He requested them to send technician or whoever it was to open the door. Two girls on the information counter tried to calm Jiyong down. The G-Dragon who they usually saw on TV were right in front of them, without makeup, without glamorous costume, without all the fame, only with a state of madness because of worrying about his teammate, his best buddy.

 

The technicians couldn’t open the door easily too. He used a special card to open the first door but for the second one, it took around ten minutes to break the code. They should enter more than ten codes that only they understood to erase the code Taeyang entered so they could enter. TOP was annoyed because they worked so slowly and he really wanted to yell at them and asked them to work faster. He clenched his fist to withstand all the cursing he could actually spill out.

As soon as the technicians their work, two Seunghyuns directly entered without hesitation. Now that the two steel blocks didn’t have any security, it could be opened just by a pull. Jiyong was given a card to open the door as usual until the owner set the security again. For now, the two machines were detached from the door.

 

“HYUNG!” Seungri called Taeyang while shaking his body. TOP was speechless as he saw Taeyang lying on the floor weakly. Seungri woke him up but he still stayed unmoved. His eyes were swollen but it’s closed tightly. Since they entered his room, Taeyang had not opened his eyes yet. His lips were pale and also his face, his two strong hands felt so cold.

Seungri put his hand on Taeyang’s chest. “He’s still alive. But I don’t know why he doesn’t open his eyes,” Seungri finally burst into tears seeing the unawaken sun who couldn’t rise from his sleep.

“Bring him to the hospital now!” Jiyong lifted Taeyang to his hands and TOP helped him too since the leader was physically weaker. The two of them brought Taeyang into TOP’s car and headed to the nearest hospital.

 

Seungri sat on the chair while still crying alone. TOP was beside him but he didn’t calm the younger guy down. He stayed in silent. The leader stood in front of the white room and bit his fingers like his usual habit every time he was nervous. He waited for the doctors to come out and tell him about Taeyang’s condition. Not just him, but all the members wished that Taeyang was alright.

Daesung sent messages to the three of them. Only TOP replied because Jiyong and Seungri didn’t check their phone.

 

_Daesung: Hyung, how is Taeyang hyung’s condition?_

_TOP: We took him to the hospital because he fainted. The doctor has not come out so I don’t know the result yet._

 

“How is him?” Jiyong attacked the doctor with question and gripped his shoulder. Seungri and TOP ran there to face the doctor too.

“He is fine now although his heartbeat is still so low. He’s just dehydrated and there’s a high concentration of antibiotic in his blood. He may have consumed too much of them recently. Now he has not roused yet. You can get into the room now,” the doctor then told them that he would come and check Taeyang’s condition again tomorrow.

TOP and Seungri stood on the side of the bed and Jiyong sat on the chair beside the bed. They only watched Taeyang. That’s the first time they saw him this fragile. Moustache and beard were all around his mouth and chin. He didn’t take a good care of himself. His hair had also grown longer than how it used to be.

Jiyong held Taeyang’s hand tight. “Why didn’t you tell me if something goes wrong,” Jiyong mumbled and buried his head on the bed.

 

Taeyang finally woke up on the second day. He opened his eyes slowly while adapting to the light inside the room. “Hyung!” Seungri smiled as he saw that. Taeyang struggled to sit on the bed because he was tired lying there for quite a long time. Seungri pushed him and said he shouldn’t move because he’s not that well yet.

Jiyong and TOP were not there because they had to go back to work for a moment. Seungri was the one who waited in the hospital. Before that, Jiyong watched for him all night.

The maknae talked to him, but he didn’t answer any of the questions. He gave no response. He only stared blankly at the wall. Seungri didn’t know what to do now. He decided to wait for Jiyongie hyung because he might be able to talk to Seungri better because they’re closer. When he arrived, he asked Seungri to leave the room for a while so there were only him and Taeyang there.

 

“If there’s something wrong, tell me,” Jiyong grabbed his hands and said. Slowly Taeyang’s eyes turned teary. “Yoonrae…” he tried to say something about the girl he called just now, but he couldn’t continue his sentence. He held Jiyong’s hands tightly and cried.

 

* * *

 

After two months, he could get over his depression after the breakup. He was dumped by Yoonrae, the girl who had been with him for five years. Jiyong and all the other members didn’t know that they were still together as what they knew, they broke up on 2017. That time, she said that she was tired of dating him because he’s a celebrity. She went through three years with less meeting and date. They couldn’t see each other often because he was busy. He didn’t tell the members that he ever got back with her. The past two years he had been hiding it from everyone. Now that they got to hear about it again, they also had no idea about what’s behind the break up and what they had been through during the two years.

 

Jiyong did ask about it, but Taeyang didn’t answer it. He kept repeating, “She left, she left. She won’t comeback anymore.”

 

When Daesung returned to Seoul, Taeyang had gone out from the hospital, but he didn’t return to his apartment. Jiyong asked him to stay at his house first so he could take care of him until he felt much better since nobody knew if he would remember about Yoonrae anymore.

 

Taeyang’s P.O.V

 

How have you been? What do you do lately? Do you ever miss me? I ask myself these questions sometimes. It’s been a while since you left. I thought that it was hard for me. I keep missing you like crazy, wishing that you’ll ever comeback to me, back to the old days when you’re always with me, even though we’re not together.

Now that you’re gone, there are no more morning text, the ‘how are you’ message that could just come anytime even when I least expected it to be. I can’t hear your ‘goodnight’ and ‘I love you’.

I could still draw your face on my mind. Your beautiful smile, it stays right on my head. I can’t erase it. Your voice, your laugh. They echo in my ears. I turn the music in a high volume hoping that your voice couldn’t be heard anymore. At night, I close my eyes. I want to sleep well, but it’s not that easy. One hour, two, three, and so many hours I spend but my eyes couldn’t shut. My head is full of you.

At the time I could sleep for a while because I’ve been too tired, you appear in my dream and wake me up again. In my dream I see you cry. That’s the only scene that keeps repeating.

I can’t say that you are away now. You are still here. You are with me. You watch me in my sleep, don’t you? If no, why couldn’t I sleep peacefully? You’re calling my name right? I can’t see you. I can’t find your existence here, but I know you are here, hiding somewhere and watching me quietly. Why don’t you just show up? I want to see you. Stop hiding from me.

_My selfishness that couldn’t let you go_   
_turned into an obsession that imprisoned you_ _._

 

 

You said that you need me. I tried to always be by your side when you need me. I know that I couldn’t always be there all the time. I often said “Let’s meet up next time.” Were you tired of my ‘next time’? I honestly always ran to you at the first place when I had some spare time. When the members held a party, I lied to them. I said I was busy. I should go back to meet my parents. But did I go home? No, I didn’t. I went to your house and spent some times with you.

Just a simple dinner or watching movie together at the couch, hugging you in my arms, it’s more than enough. We couldn’t be together for too long because of my schedule, they might have hurt you. You said you cry when you watched me on TV. You said you miss me and wished that I was there for you, but you’re proud that I could stand on the stage and sang for everyone.

You told me sometimes you were jealous of the fans, but I thought that your jealousy were cute. I asked you not to be upset. I love the fans and also you, but that’s a different love. My fans and you are special to me. Don’t ask me to choose between you and the fans, I really can’t. Till now, I still can’t.

Once you said that you would wait for me, wait until the time we could go out and eat in a restaurant without using mask, hat, and glasses to disguise. My identity made it hard for you. I’m part of Bigbang and you said that you’re just an ordinary girl. For me you’re so special, you’re extraordinary. I did that to protect you from the paparazzi and from the haters who might disturb your personal life and also your family. I know my fans, they are kind. They won’t hurt you and won’t disturb you, but the haters might.

Bigbang’s fans have always been kind and chic. They allow us to have a girlfriend. They always say that they’ll be fine. They understand that one day all the five members will get married. Even that happens, they will still be our fans and they wouldn’t leave us. They give us a lot of privacy and space for ourselves. This is why I love them so much.

 

I know that I can’t stay on the stage forever, but I still can’t leave this field. You knew that I’ve always loved what I do so much. I promised you that one day I would retire and walked behind the screen. I could be choreographer. I could write music. I could be a producer. I would do anything that didn’t need me standing in front of camera. That time, haters would also let go of me. Paparazzi won’t follow us. We could walk side by side, to Han River, Gangnam, Busan, anywhere you want.

Two months ago I requested for you to wait for me. Again I asked you to wait for one or two years. I’m quite selfish, I know. There’s so many goals that I haven’t reached and I want to obtain all of them. After the two years ended, I may ask for another two years if it wasn’t enough. I’ve kept you waiting for me for too long.

 

You wanted a guy who could always be there for you, and I couldn’t.

You wanted someone who took a good care of you. I have done my best, but maybe that wasn’t enough for you.

 

 

_I must have not been enough_

 

I miss you, I miss you, I really miss you. That night, you held my hands for the last time. You apologized and said you couldn’t take this anymore. I remembered your eyes looked so sad, tear drops fell down from your beautiful eyes and finally I thought that maybe I’ve hurt you so much. It wasn’t only hard for me, but also for you. I couldn’t beg you to stay anymore. It would be too hard for you to have to wait any longer.

Slowly you faded away from my sight and walked out of the glass door. I followed you out even though I didn’t know what to say. I only wanted to see you for the very last time, but I guess that time I shouldn’t have followed you.

Those tears were faked? As soon as you got out of the glass door, a guy hugged you so tight and you smiled so bright. You didn’t seem to remember about me anymore. You walked side by side with him, holding hand. You didn’t even turn your back to see me. So finally I know, you’ve found the guy you want. The one who could be there for you all the time, the one who didn’t have to hide himself from everyone. 

Did you doubt my love so that you leave? I swear to you, all this time, even though I’m busy, I’ve always loved you. I work harder and harder so I could be with you faster. Couldn’t you just wait? Yeah, my ego made me this way. Sorry to keep you waiting. Sorry to hurt you all this time. I know that I was wrong.

But, you seemed not to feel bad leaving alone for another guy. We’re both selfish for wanting what we wanted so much. We’re both too selfish to let go of something we really wanted.

I hate this. I hate how you leave me for another guy. Is he better than me? I don’t think that I lack a thing that he has. Was it just because I don’t have enough time for you? Was that all? I promised you all my time, but it might not be now.

I waited for you, for your call, thinking maybe you would change your mind and chose me, but you didn’t. You never came back. You should have been happy with him, didn’t you?

Have long have you been with him? How long has he stayed by your side? I wanted to question you so much, but I know I didn’t have the right to do so. I didn’t have the guts to call you. I deleted all your messages, and also your number. But, I realized that it has stuck in my head. I didn’t know since when I have memorized your phone number.

 

I told myself “This ain’t it, this ain’t it” still thinking that it’s not the end since it’s not how I wished it to be.

 

_I miss you more than I hate you,_   
_I long for you more than I’m sad._

 

So here is where it goes now. The memories, the good old times, I should bury it all deep inside, to the bottom of my heart. Locking it and never open it ever again. No matter how good it was, now it’s just a memory.

You’re like a gust of wind now, I couldn’t hold you anymore. Once I try to touch you, you disappear. You’re like a smoke that slowly get blurry and slowly fly to the sky.

You’re gone now.

 

I realized that I can’t wait for you any longer and couldn’t wish for you to come back for me. You left me for your ego, so why couldn’t I? I chose the path I want, my career. Since you’re now all gone, I’ll get back to what I preferred. You can’t win over your ego. I would just do the same.

 

_the one who couldn’t take it anymore and_   
_gave up in the end._

 

It wasn’t easy at first. Two months of treatment for my severe depression, but now I’m fine. I wish you a happy life. I hope you could smile every day and always be happy and won’t cry anymore. It’s all ended now.

 

As you live your life, I’ll also live mine. Well, so well, I could live it that way even without you around.

Goodbye.

 

_it hurts so much, but now I’ll call you a memory._

 

_End of Taeyang’s P.O.V_

 

Two weeks passed and Daesung could talk to Taeyang now. The first day he returned, Taeyang was still as quiet as a statue. He didn’t talk, he didn’t smile, he didn’t laugh. He was thankful that his hyung still breathed. Now, Taeyang had come back to life, rose up from a long winter. Finally he got to see the hyung’s smile after a few months.

 

Daesung and Jiyong accompanied Taeyang during his first day getting out from the hospital. He said that he wanted to have a walk at the park since he hadn’t feel the fresh air for two months. Jiyond and Daesung then took him there. He was walking alone and the two of them watched him from a far.

 

What a coincidence, he got to meet Yoonrae at the park. She was with her new boyfriend. Daesung was about to get Taeyang but Jiyong stopped him. He asked Daesung to let him face it alone. That would be his very last final.

 

“Hey. Congrats for your new boyfriend. I hope you’ll be happy with him,” he smiled and greeted her.

“Thanks. I’ll also be happy for you. From now on, I’ll keep supporting you, as a fan,” she smiled and left.

 

Now he could tell himself that yeah, this is it. This is the end, even though it’s not a happy one. 

* * *

 

 

 

_**Inspired by Taeyang’s ‘Eyes, Nose, Lips’ and ‘This Ain’t It’.** _

_**Lyrics from kpoplyrics.net** _


End file.
